ive read this five or six times now and its worth the time. so many beautiful human touches. craft in so many artfully crafted and seemingly simple words.
Really, really good. Is the original draft somewhere? Don’t trouble yourself if not, but I’d be curious to see the editing everyone’s talking about, because this is a tight piece, and that isn’t easy work in three hours! Bravo!
Zachary! Thanks for your attention to this piece! Much appreciated. The previous was pretty tight, too. If anything I cut stuff from it and then expanded other stuff. I actually foot noted the changes before I made them so people could follow but yeah the previous draft, called No Conductor (BTW) is in the ether. I thought about leaving it somehow. or leaving the footnote edits somehow, but then i was like sometimes life gotta be like a concert, you had to be there to capture the memory. Make you come next time. Next time I flash-style you better be there cause the two previous times were legendary. You gotta check what Anthony Marigold, my opponent here, did. His work is worth a read in this challenge, too. My end in the revision is in conversation with his piece.
The footnote revisions are a fantastic idea. But I absolutely get letting it change fully. I'm signed up for more. Won't miss the next concert.
I think it was Anthony Marigold's piece that led me to discover your flash duels! I liked his too. I'll have to revisit it now that I've read yours and you've said your revision's in conversation.
Very cool what you're doing here. The flash duels are an excellent idea.
Damn , that's so good. Amazingly well written. I love:
He rejoined her in bed, lying on his side. “God, your hair is so soft and black.” He glided his hands across the surface of her afro like a planet, and confidence rolled down her shoulders.
"Men becoming shy didn’t surprise her. They were all shy after sex from her experience. No matter how aggressive or confident or smooth, they emptied the costume when the show ended."
This is extremely well-written.
thank you so much. You fought with immense honor.
"No matter how aggressive or confident or smooth, they emptied the costume when the show ended." Winner.🤌🏼
my brother
Love the ending sentence. So real......
thank you, Avis! I want to add a couple vivid images to her walk to bring that last beat more to life.
ive read this five or six times now and its worth the time. so many beautiful human touches. craft in so many artfully crafted and seemingly simple words.
thanks Nick. My favorite writer Richard Yates says, it would have been even shorter and simpler if I had only had the time.
no truer words. less is more. more time more skill more meaning more depth and etc...
Really, really good. Is the original draft somewhere? Don’t trouble yourself if not, but I’d be curious to see the editing everyone’s talking about, because this is a tight piece, and that isn’t easy work in three hours! Bravo!
Zachary! Thanks for your attention to this piece! Much appreciated. The previous was pretty tight, too. If anything I cut stuff from it and then expanded other stuff. I actually foot noted the changes before I made them so people could follow but yeah the previous draft, called No Conductor (BTW) is in the ether. I thought about leaving it somehow. or leaving the footnote edits somehow, but then i was like sometimes life gotta be like a concert, you had to be there to capture the memory. Make you come next time. Next time I flash-style you better be there cause the two previous times were legendary. You gotta check what Anthony Marigold, my opponent here, did. His work is worth a read in this challenge, too. My end in the revision is in conversation with his piece.
The footnote revisions are a fantastic idea. But I absolutely get letting it change fully. I'm signed up for more. Won't miss the next concert.
I think it was Anthony Marigold's piece that led me to discover your flash duels! I liked his too. I'll have to revisit it now that I've read yours and you've said your revision's in conversation.
Very cool what you're doing here. The flash duels are an excellent idea.
"She could sense she had decreased in his eyes. She hated him."
This line is so genuine, that kind of kneejerk self-consciousness that flips you on a dime. Just excellent.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting P.K.!
Damn , that's so good. Amazingly well written. I love:
He rejoined her in bed, lying on his side. “God, your hair is so soft and black.” He glided his hands across the surface of her afro like a planet, and confidence rolled down her shoulders.
thank you so much for your attention Quinn!
Strong voice, as always. 🤙 Nicely done.
Thanks a ton Dave. Always appreciate your attention to my work.
"Men becoming shy didn’t surprise her. They were all shy after sex from her experience. No matter how aggressive or confident or smooth, they emptied the costume when the show ended."
Beautiful, man.
Thank you so much for reading this short story!
this is brilliant
thank you so much, brother.
Thanks for giving us a look into the processes. This is really generous of you to share. With gratitude 🙏🏽
My pleasure, brother!
Seeing someone self edit like this is incredibly valuable. Thank you
I am happy to hear you find it valuable!
I love being thrown right into the action. It’s like overhearing people’s conversations in the street (and I love that too). Excellent self-editing.
Thank you so much!
Damn you smartypantser. That was great!
my brother! Our joint record gonna break the algo.
This is fantastic
Thank you so much for your attention.
Really well done 👏🏾
Thanks so much for reading!